variability

As part of the cleaning and removal of the contents of my home, towards the sale and towards the approaching transition, I watched at my albums again before I packed them into one of the boxes which will be stored in some warehouse later, along with other memories that I decided to preserve

This observation helped me to sharpen my understanding of the extent to which my external appearance reflected internal processes of change and movement. In every period of my life I had the need (consciously or less consciously) to try to be precise and to do the same thing I felt and knew that I had to realize, and it turns out that the body, the vessel, was ‘mobilized’ for this purpose…

It seems to me that only today I can see how flexible our body can be and adapt to the changes we choose to undergo, and how much it has the ability to serve these changes.  As a result I am even more reassured that in my journey the spirit is the one that produces the movement, the spirit leads the heart behind her, and the heart leads the body …

listening

When I started writing music about 17 years ago and I founded the first ensemble of the Segulot Ensemble, I was fortunate enough and sent to me a dear man named Mark Smulian – a talented and experienced English musician who played with many of the world’s best, and at the time lived in Israel nearby.

To my delight, Mark connected to the music I wrote and worked with us for about two years as a musical arranger and producer.

Many of the things I was privileged to learn from him at such a preliminary stage – professional and technical knowledge as well as insights, perceptions and musical approaches that helped me to ‘get into things’  very quickly …

One of the important insights he gave me was (I do not remember his exact words, but that was the general message) that a real musician is a person who first of all has the abilities to listen and to restraint himself. In other words, these abilities were more important, in his eyes, even more than performance qualities and musical expression.

This insight reverberated in me for a long time during which I digested and internalized it, understood the necessity of these abilities, practiced and realized them during the rehearsals and performances with that ensemble and with other ensembles that I established after, and even tried to project them into other parts of my life …

Listening and restraint occur, in my experience, in those moments in which the choice is made to set aside the automatic needs, impulses, emotions and thoughts that exist in all of us, and to give what is happening around us, in all frequency range, a place within us to enrich, expand and make us more aware and sensitive …

In other words, the emptiness that we create while listening is first of all ‘for our own good ‘ and when we are good, it will be better for everyone with us…

Channels

Twenty-three years ago, my mother died of cancer after ten long years of suffering. A year and a half later my daughter Tamar was born. Her date of birth was supposed to be the same as my mother’s, but finally, she was born three days later. About twenty years ago my father chose his death – he did not survive his being in the world without his beloved. Three months after his death and two weeks before his birthday, my son,Nadav was born.

hese non-coincidental and synchronized connections that created an inconceivable cycle of death and life led me to the insight I had I repressed as a child, since I could not contain it first, that there is another order which is not the known familiar order that surrounds us… In the wake of all this, a direct channel was opened in me to that ‘another order’…

The channel that was opened brought with it more and more insights and more and more messages that became a kind of ‘operating instructions’ or a kind of guidance that over the years became more and more accurate, for the simple and the non simple reason, at the same time – I learned to devote myself to it and not to doubt it …

These messages were intended for me first, and immediately thereafter also to the circle of people close to me and other circles that have expanded over the years …

In my experience, these channels are accessible to each and every one of us, and the ‘collective correction (Tikun)’ I see before me is that every person will know how to connect to his private channel, to give himself to it and to receive the same messages and the same ‘operating instructions’ that Intended only for him… I believe that only in this way we will be able to create unity …

Grandmother Yeti

Today, if she had been alive, my Grandmother Yati (Yocheved), my father’s mother, would celebrate her 104th birthday.

Grandmother Yeti was born in Leipzig, Germany in 1914 and immigrated to Israel in 1934 when she was 20. She met my grandfather, Robert (Mordechai), who immigrated from Germany also, They married, moved to Kibbutz Ramat Hakovesh and gave birth to four sons (My father, Yair, was their eldest son, and the rest is already history … My grandmother died nine years ago, on January 25, two weeks after her 95th birthday.

The strong connection I have felt my whole life to Grandma Yeti revolves around music in general and singing in particular. She was blessed with a powerful, high-pitched, quality  and echoing voice – the kind of opera singers were blessed. She sang at every opportunity she had, toured with Sara Levi Tanai, was nurtured by Yehuda Sharett, the music man and brother of Moshe Sharett, she was also a member of many choirs and even directed and guided musical choirs herself.

I remember that every word that was said next to her became a song, I remember how she ‘Conducted’ us when we sang at every family event, I remembers the passion and the intention that was in her to ‘to sing to heaven’, as she used to say …

But I also remember that I could hear and feel how she turned her voice sometimes, into a kind of survival tool and clung to it to control her life, and yet, in all its surroundings. In those moments her voice became stiff and threatening – an experience that ‘silenced’ me in a certain sense, for years, and led me to say that a singer I will never be!

Lo behold, after a long creative, artistic journey, I also became a singer, and singing became a significant correction in my life…

Express my voice

I remember myself as a 9-10 year old who comes to school every day and is speechless when asked to answer a question in the classroom … tears would choke my throat and block any possibility of making a sound …

The teachers, who called my parents from time to time, claimed that they had no idea why the child who proved her abilities in tests and other activities was paralyzed at these moments. My parents had no answer, and certainly neither did I …

Today I know that the anxiety of answering with an inner feeling that I would not be understood was then comparable to death …

To my delight, this traumatic experience prompted me not to give up, to try to find a way to be clearer to those around me, and led me to many communication channels  such as art, writing, music and mysticism through which images, words, sounds and messages arrived…

To the wide range of these channels I have created for myself I have called a ‘ communication range’, and as this range widened further, was greater the chance of being understood and clearer to myself, to people close to me, to those who are more distant, to audiences who come to my exhibitions and performances and read my writings, to my patients and to my students. ..

I believe and know that each of us has a voice that is only his, which can be ‘discovered’ and can find its way out and be heard …

The body as a tool

For many years, I have treated my body as marginal in relation to the emotional, intellectual, and especially spiritual spaces, which I have ‘cleaned’, nurtured, and raised …

Following the massive and intensive release of material of every kind that has been present in my life lately, which includes many of the various devices and tools that have served me in my creative, teaching, therapeutic and personal doing for many years, strengthened the insight in me that, ultimately, the most meaningful and essential tool with which I can implement and act is this body of mine …

In addition to being a tool through which I transmit messages, images and sounds, and  through which I produce words, voice and rhythm, experience, feel and communicate, my body will soon become almost my ‘home,’ and therefore I must respect it, as it is, for its abilities and limitations, more than ever…

In my experience today, the body is the most sophisticated and efficient conductor between person and person, and between heaven and earth …

Fear and Anxiety

Recently, more than in previous times, I observe and try to understand the difference between fear and Anxiety …

I admit that fear is far less familiar to me than anxiety. Of course, like all human beings, there is fear in me, but both in the past and in on these days of significant change in my life, it does not run me, to my delight, while anxiety sometimes arises in me.

This observation reinforces my perception that fear too high dose, That is, one that does not fulfill its function only as a warning light, but increases beyond that, becoming a contractionary and inhibitory energy that does not allow actualization and action.

The ‘danger’ of anxiety, in my experience, is its ability to overwhelm and cause excess vitality, whereas when balanced, it stimulates movement and the impulse to act and to change, when correct and appropriate, which can bring more and more to a place of quiet and comfort …

And again, it turns out, it’s all about doses …

Release

I’ve been busy releasing my previous life for a few months now. The process of liberation is spiral, in my experience, like a reincarnation in a reincarnation, and therefore, it is actually a direct continuation of previous releases I have known in the past, although now it is more intense, powerful and conscious …

Releasing  the grip on walls, appropriation of land and Infinite objects of all kinds and species (for example, twenty-two shelves of books I have collected over thirty-five years have now become six).

Liberating my beloved children (the connection between us is probably beyond  than time and place) than ever before, on their way, and the dog (who found him, to my delight, a wide courtyard and a stable and loving home).

Releasing more and more old places inside me, more and more expectations, more and more delusional thoughts, more and more charges, blockages, protections and peels that are not needed and some are not even mine …

I believe that the ability to initiate and  invite these releases, preventing them from arriving one day ‘by surprise’, shaking and leaving no choice… The release, even if painful and not simple sometimes, is like magic that creates closeness, intimacy, choice and freedom …

The Voice

In the midst of the intense events taking place in my life these days, I found myself playing and singing with enthusiasm and passion, materials I wrote and composed in the last two years … Playing on the new synthesizer I bought is very challenging and instructive, but the experience of singing repeats and strikes me a lot more …

It is possible to say that once again I discovered the power of the voice as a tool that reverberates the frequencies, sounds, words and rhythms that carry healing energy and elevates the spirit – I feel that more than any other instrument I have, my voice is the channel through which I can give in the most complete, open and free manner …

Cypresses and cacti

Thinking about the cypress trees We grew up around our house in Moshav Beit HaLevi, where we lived eleven years, and who also decorated the “Sgula space” – Arts and Spirit, that I established and managed during the years in the area behind our house. The cypresses almost reached their peak height and erectness when we left …

I think in the same breath about the cactus and succulent pots I nurtured in my home in the “Observation space” – Music and Mysticism, that I established and managed in Mitzpe Ramon over the past four years.  I will leave them behind too soon when I will leave again …

And despite the pain of parting, I know that both the cypresses and the cactuses have received all the attention and love I could give, and they will continue to grow under the care of others.

In my experience, the movement requires a transition through pain and sadness, while simultaneously growing and strengthening …