Mother of three wonderful souls.

Musician, Poet, Artist & Mystic

.

Teacher, Lecturer, Instructor, Guide, Therapist and Healer,

of  Music & Mysticism

 

 

 

  

I was and I wasn't…

 

 

Suddenly it happened…

in an instant…

I fell like a stone from the sky,

and my body –

half of it went silent…

I tried to get up, I tried to read out loud

… and I couldn't…

I lost all sense of time and place, but I saw and heard everything…

I was fully aware of everything that was happening,

 and being said around me…

I was and I wasn't…

My children were with me…

I felt safe…

 

Within a while they arrived –

an M.A.D.A team with a bed and equipment…

They put me on the bed and from there to the ambulance…

We drove to the hospital…

On the way, I was very aware of what was happening…

I felt that my body partly existed and partly didn't…

I realized that I had no feeling on the right side of my body,

 and that I couldn't speak clearly…

I felt the bumpy ride on the road…

Each jump seemed to bring me back

to full awareness of my body…

 I knew what had happened to me,

although I didn't understand what exactly,

and I was emotionally disconnected

from everything that was around me…

I was 'here' and 'there'…

nside the body, but also seeing everything outside it…

 

We arrived at the hospital...

M.A.D.A team took me out of the ambulance,

 and from that moment on I was no longer in my body...

I remember gradually detaching myself and ascending step by step...

From that moment until I woke up

from the catheter outside my body...

 

I found myself floating

in a white/blue/yellowish space that took me,

with my head forward, in a diagonal upward movement –

 this was a gentle movement,

free and liberated from any grip,

framework or legality –

absolute freedom that enveloped me in absolute love,

in exemplary ease,

 in acceptance,

in devotion and in the possibility of

simply being... 'at home'...

 

I felt like I was 'there' not only in awareness,

but also in experience, in being –

I was 'at home', without any memory of the 'world below'...

 

I floated, without a perception of time and space,

 higher and higher,

until the Origin of the almost blinding light,

 which illuminated everything,

appeared before me –

 it spread its light in pure, clean rays in all directions,

and as if bowing to me with exemplary humility...

I, for my part, shone in front of and towards him,

 and I felt the softened,

 wonderful love that existed between us –

 I understood that this was

the perfect goodness in its embodiment…

 

We were like this for a certain time, maybe seconds,

maybe minutes, maybe more...

I absorbed all this pure and clean light into myself,

as if I had breathed it into myself and returned it to him...

back...

It was a moment of pure love,

without words,

without messages,

without additional communication...

And again I realized that love is everything –

it is all that there is, it is in fact, it is the truth...

And It brings all the rest as a shadow of itself into the world…

 

Then something or someone

drew my attention to look down –

directly into the room where the catheterization was done...

I saw the room through the white space,

as if through a veil of mist –

The bed on which lay an unfocused figure –

I knew it was me, and two or three doctors and nurses around me...

I felt that something or someone was calling me back to the world...

I began, although not very willingly,

to return to my body,

and I woke up when the bed on which I was lying

rolled out of the room into the hallway,

dragged by two hospital staff members,

and my three children around me...

I was enveloped in the sublime feeling

of that same experience of 'there',

and at the same time,

I felt like a baby who had just been born...

 

For a week in the Hospital I felt that part of me remained 'there',

and what seemed like confusion and

difficulty in verbal communication at first,

was actually,

the inspiration of the place from which I had returned –

a place of communication without words,

without actions,

 just being...

 

The doctors defined my case as a medical conference,

since my body had physically recovered,

almost completely,

and only about five hours after the accident

...

The equipment I was connected to in the hospital

was so contrary to the feeling of complete freedom,

being able to fly,

float,

move without any restrictions at all in an infinite open space

that I experienced 'there',

that I tried (to the nurses' encouragement) to free myself from it,

not to be chained...'

 

My children were around me most of the time,

taking care of everything, containing, loving so much...

A love similar to the one I experienced 'there'…

 

And from there,

the path led me to try and bring

the experience to concrete reality,

to try and find a place for it in life,

here on earth

and to understand all the effects it had on my thinking,

on my emotions,

on the turns of my being towards life

and on the frequency I had reached...

And then, the anxieties appeared…

Part of the healing process?

Maybe, so the doctors say…

 

Lying in bed for a long time

and finding different ways to relax,

 to gain insights and try

to find the way to connect with the light I experienced

and saw ‘there’ and to transfer it to ‘here’,

 to the world…

This was a task that seemed almost impossible to me…

 

The gap was unfathomable,

and it was also the source of the anxieties…

but, there was hope, there was faith that I would indeed find the way…

 

A few months passed of dealing

with a complexity that is difficult to describe in words,

and which led me, ultimately, to medication –

 the path slowly began to open and the light began to be released…

Through the music

and through the words

and visual images that accompany it…

 

Music - the most complete instrument

through which to play the power of the light

that I experienced,

or at least, a significant part of it...

and it is also a true and profound healing tool, for me...

 

And to the classic question:

Why did I have to go through all this?

I found the classic answer:

 to experience the light in all its glory,

so closely,

so directly,

in order to transmit it through me to the world,

especially in these days

when even the little light that remains

is in danger of extinction...

 

I hope I succeed...